A great way to preserve your health and not take on more than you should, is to define your boundaries. What do I mean? Well, a boundary is a point or limit that indicates where two things become different. A boundary is a line or space between two people. Healthy boundaries are important to our physical and emotional health (See picture above).
Boundaries provide protection. If boundaries are weak, we are vulnerable. And if boundaries are too rigid, we are closed off and disconnected. We need to find healthy boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within our social and intimate relationships.
Behavioural neuroscience researcher Joaquin Selva reveals that personal boundaries consist of six different elements:
- Physical boundaries: limits and rules set for personal space and physical touch.
- Intellectual boundaries: limits and rules set for someone’s thoughts and ideas.
- Emotional boundaries: limits and rules set for someone’s feelings.
- Sexual boundaries: limits and rules set for the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality.
- Material boundaries: limits and rules set for money and possessions.
- Time boundaries: limits and rules set for how one uses their time.
According to Psychologist Erissa Putri, there are three common traits of personal boundaries:
Rigid Boundaries
- Avoids intimacy and close relationships.
- Unlikely to ask for help.
- Has few close relationships.
- Very [protective of personal information
- May seem detached, even with romantic partners.
- Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection.
Porous Boundaries
- Overshares personal information.
- Difficulty saying no to the requests of others.
- Overinvolved with other problems
- Dependent on the opinions of others
- Accepting of abuse or disrespect
- Fears rejection if they do not comply with others.
Healthy Boundaries
- Values own opinions
- Does not compromise values for others.
- Shares personal information in and appropriate way.
- Knows personal wants and needs and can communicate them.
- Saying no without guilt
- Accepting when others say no.
You can have a mix of different boundary types. For example, you could have healthy boundaries in a social setting, porous boundaries in a romantic relationship, or a mix of all three types. You just need to adjust them according to time and place. What is appropriate to say at work may be inappropriate to say when you are at a more casual setting with your friends.
Personal boundaries influence your decision making and protect you from undesirable behaviours such as bullying, or emotional abuse. Learn to find balance in your personal boundaries. Ideally, it should be strong enough to protect you but also flexible enough to allow you to have healthy connections with people.
What are healthy boundaries?
- Adjustable for each situation and with whom you interact with.
- Saying no without guilt
- Saying yes because you want to — not out of guilt or obligation.
- Asking for what you want or need.
- Taking care of yourself
- Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others.
- Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
- Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements.
- Feeling supported to pursue your own goals.
- Being treated as an equal
- Treat others fairly and set up realistic expectations.
- Taking responsibility for your own happiness and not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
- Being in tune with your intuition
- Be honest with your feelings.
- Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you like.
It is also healthy to create some self-care boundaries for yourself – some examples are in the picture below.
Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial part of life and an important aspect of any self-care practice. Someone who is not used to setting boundaries might feel guilty or selfish when they first start out, but setting boundaries is necessary for mental health and well-being.